I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
