Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
