i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I forgot wine drunk hurts
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
