my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
