Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
