What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
