I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
True but thats because hes a fetus.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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