If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
