Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
