Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
