I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
