I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
