So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
