Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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