I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
