i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
