There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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