If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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