Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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