1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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