and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
