did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
