Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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