Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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