Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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