By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
where are my pants?
in the oven.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
