he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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