If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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