Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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