my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
