I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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