she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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