allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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