we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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