Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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