I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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