my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Randomize
