dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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