screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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