I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize