Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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