i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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