my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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