guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
