My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
