All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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