How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
