The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
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I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
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