Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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