you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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