found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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