I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
