Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
where does the pee come out of this thing
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
