so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
