Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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