saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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