mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
