My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
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did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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