That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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