Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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