Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
